I Choose Loving You

I choose loving youIt’s 2:00 in the morning, and I’m up giving you your bottle. I look into your beautifully sleepy eyes, and my heart just melts. I’m finally getting to experience something that I thought I never would. Sometimes, I really don’t know who needs who more; you need me to feed, bathe, dress and love you, but I need your sweet smiles to get me through early mornings and late nights.

I realized right away that I had fallen in love. From the moment I picked you up, I knew you had my heart. I told Jonathan that, even though I knew you would probably leave our house eventually, I could feel my heart getting attached to you. That’s something I absolutely dread, because I know you will eventually be leaving our home and my heart will be shattered. You’ve only been in our lives for a short time, but I know if they called for you to return home tomorrow, my world would be torn apart.

Jonathan often reminds me of why we started doing this. We didn’t do this with expectations to adopt every child that comes into our care, although we would if we were able, but we did this to give love and to care for children who don’t get that from their parents. We didn’t do it for us. We didn’t do it to make ourselves happy; we did it for them. Jon also tells me that we are given a choice everyday we continue being foster parents: we can either love without regard for our own feelings, or we can be selfish and keep our love to ourselves.

I have to make my decision: would I love without fear, or would I be selfish with my love? While trying to answer this question, I have to remind myself of who REALLY gets their hearts hurt during this process. Am I the one getting pulled from my life and placed with another family? No. Am I the one that grows to love this new family, just to be taken away again? No. Am I the one who cries every night because I miss my parents? No, I’m not. They are. They don’t get to choose. You can read more about the children’s pain and our choice here.

I put out all of my baby stuff one night, in faith that you would be coming my way soon... and you did.

I put out all of my baby stuff one night, in faith that you would be coming my way soon… and you did.

After thinking on that, I’ve made my choice: I choose to love you, sweet girl. I choose everyday to let you, and every child that comes into our home, steal my heart a little more each day. I choose to love unconditionally. I choose you. I choose to give you everything I have. I choose to let you consume my whole heart. I know you may leave us, but I will ALWAYS love you. I will choose your needs, your wants, your heart over mine every time.

I prayed for you for so long. I prayed for God to send me a little one like you, He did, and I will praise Him for sending you my way. I’m thankful for the now. I’m thankful for the time I am getting to hold you in my arms, rock you to sleep, and see your sweet smile in the wee hours of the morning. You, and all of our placements, have made me something that I so desperately wanted to be: a mother. Thank you for that, it’s the greatest feeling in the world. It may be temporary, but I will cherish every moment I get to be a mother to you.

I know you may not be in my life forever, but when you leave my home, I want you to know that I will always love you. You will always be my sweet girl. God sent you to me at just the right time. I love you, sweetness. I will hold you as long as I can. I will kiss you as much as I can. I will snuggle you every chance I get. I will love you now, and deal with my brokenness later. I choose loving you.

i choose loving you

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